Do Something Profoundly Different

Sarah McLaughlan seems to be scoring my life thus far this year. Lyrics like “Hold on, hold on to yourself, this is going to hurt like hell,” or “Sweeeeeet surrender is all that I have,” and “Wipe away the tears, just close your eyes dear” have been entering my brain at the exact moment an overly dramatic script would call for a pull at the heart strings, the passing of a tissue or that moment when you feel like you’ve got not-one-thing left to give but somehow you manage to get a little boost, find your boot straps and take another step.

I am in the midst of giving new birth to myself. At moments, it is not pretty. Seriously, I mean not pretty. Slimy, goopy, stinky. Then I manage to pull myself out of bed and slink myself into a hot bath. I have been using my mornings as quiet time to read, to pray, to meditate and to journal. Something about being immersed in the warm water is comforting and from that place I have the courage to go into the dark and find what it is within me that causes me to eat my way to oblivion and then instantly reject all the “soothing” I just consumed.

Often, as I lie in my “healing waters,” my sweet and oh-so-loyal dog, Audrey, noses her way into the bathroom, sighs and falls on the floor as if you say, “You humans make everything so damn complicated.” Oh to have a dogs presence and forgiveness. They have the ability to immediate release of the past, are always present and moving forward or just flat out relaxing! I am seeing Audrey to be a great teacher and as I am finding those dark places within myself, I look at her and find it a wee-bit easier to surrender to the present and continue moving forward or just relax. The forgiveness part is going to take some more work.

There was a time that I held a fair amount of distain for my father for being an alcoholic. The last week or so, my tub therapy is showing me that he and I are really not very different. We both choose to numb ourselves, the substance may be dissimilar, but I suspect the roots are the same. I have not heard from my dad since he left a message on my recorder a few weeks ago. However, I am finding myself curious and wanting to meet with him. I don’t know if it will help me fill some of the holes that I have attempted to fill with sugary foods but I have to try. You know the saying that if you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. Well, I do not like what I have done to myself and thus, I must do something that profoundly deviates from what I have done previously. My commitment to change is very serious, this year is different, this year I am resolved to solve the mystery and find solutions to the my past patterns. I am going to reach out to my dad and see if we can meet for coffee. Although, one of my changes this year is that I no longer drink coffee, but I can have a lovely, calming, soul-warming tea!

So, here is to finding my boot straps, to digging in the dark, to great spiritual teachers, to warm baths and maybe, just maybe to hole filling tea time with dad. I encourage you to do something profoundly different, just one thing, and see what positive change is brings.

Whatever you are going through, you are not alone. If you are using or denying food as a way to fill or avoid the emotional holes in your heart, we invite you to connect with a community that understands and will support you, much like a warm bath or cup of tea! Visit us at www.RebeccasHouse.org, www.1800Bulimia.com on Twitter and on Facebook.