Eating Disorder Treatment, Binge EatingOrange County, California, Eating Disorder Treatment ProgramEating DisorderEating Disorder

A Journey To Health

I decided today is the day I am going to look for help. I don’t know where to start. I’m afraid I’m afraid of others knowing my secret, I’m afraid of letting go of leaving disorder, I’m afraid of what I will be without it, I’m afraid of what will happen if I continue in my eating disorder. I am afraid to make that first call, but I have to do it.

I dialed the number. A woman name Lisa answered the phone I let her know I’ve never gotten help before she told me everything is going to be okay. I don’t understand how that can be, but I’m hopeful. All of my feelings are coming up and my anxiety is high, not any higher than usual just high.

Today I an initial intake assessment in the intake office found some relief talking about my past but was afraid to go home and be alone with my eating disorder. My insurance provides coverage for my treatment and I’m grateful I can get help but I’m afraid to go in.

It has been a week. My eating disorder is so bad. Lisa has called me back a couple of times and I haven’t returned her calls until today. I’m exhausted. I’ve lost 7 ½ more pounds and nearly need a higher level of care! I feel weak and when I look in the mirror hardly recognize myself. 

I’m starting to feel different now. My thinking wasn’t right the first three weeks it was almost like detoxing from my eating disorder. It took me that long just to be able to touch on my emotional state. I’m finally starting to stabilize where I can do some work. I’m starting to feel more like myself again. I think that’s the journey back to “self.”  I get it now - I get what they mean, but I’m not entirely there yet.  And now I’m afraid to leave I’m not ready!!!! thank goodness!  I’ve been imprisoned by my eating disorder for 17 years it’s clear to me this is going to take some time I feel completely surrendered that I am in no hurry.  It’s hard but I want to be well, I can be well I want my life back, I’m getting my life back. I wonder what could be possible.

At 65 days I’ve got strong tools to do some grease loss and work around the trauma I’ve experience in my life. I feel safe I things the first time I’ve ever really felt safe. I build strong friendships and have a strong community around me and understand me. It’s funny the people around me may not be the friends I would have chosen outside of treatment as friends but I know them and they know me and love me just as I am and vice versa. I’d like to see is getting easier I guess it is but it is still hard perhaps I’m just getting used to it being hard which is making it easier. It feels good to spend this time on me I deserve it I’m worthy. I’m healing.

All the focuses in on the food following my meal plan is no longer a challenge I am no longer accessing about exercise and I am having fun for the first time in a very long time in my life. I spent some time with my family this week and was able to set some boundaries about what was comfortable for me with compassion for them that balance filled good. Didn’t say so but They seemed proud I could feel it I feel proud. It’s been 102 days since I started this journey.  My goal for myself right now is to protect what I have built for myself. I never want to go back to where I was. Right now today in this moment I’m able to feel I was going to list feelings but seriously I am just flat out able to feel….lol  I feel everything I feel joy I feel sad sometimes sometimes I just feel good sometimes I still feel scared scare this will go away most of all I feel deserving like I’m worth it. I didn’t feel anything before I feel everything now. I am alive. I am living!  I am free!

 

 

 

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